Hey y’all!! Please help a girl out and check out my novel! It’s about a 16 year old girl’s struggles with life, death, love, and independence! A solid summer read!
Help me get to University <3
Check out my Novel NUMB! You can get it online at amazon, barnes and nobles, and createspace!
Check out my Novel NUMB! You can get it online at amazon, barnes and nobles, and createspace!
Below is an exerpt from the new novel I am working on!
She looked beautiful dancing by the fire with the other women, the drums beating in sync with their steps’, laughter was spreading from her core to every other man woman and child around her. Her golden waves that normally cascaded down her back were bouncing up to her shoulders sending soft tendrils up to kiss her cheeks.
“Olathe.” Beautiful. One of the elders said, nodding at her dancing with the other women. She looked as if she were a willow tree swaying in the wind
“I know, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in all my years.”
She glanced up in my direction and I felt the pull of her eyes. Like a hunter and the deer, I was the prey and her, my predator. She stopped her joyous dance, her face flushed a delicate crimson. I forced my gaze to slide to the girls at her side, giggling and pushing her towards me. I heard pieces of their words of encouragement.
“Go! He wants to talk to you.”
“But we talk all the time.” Her coy response nearly stopped my heart. She was playing innocent until we could be sure people would accept our being together. The tribe had been happy that we were friends when it was a bonding friendship of two worlds. Now they wanted me to marry a native girl, one who can give me a powerful son who could one day be a great warrior like I would become. I didn’t want a native wife I wanted Anna, from the moment I first saw her I wanted no one else but her.
The girls had finally persuaded her to approach me in front of the others. She didn’t just step towards me, she near floated, her feet made to silence the ground. She took her time walking around the circle of elders and stopping to talk to a group of young girls. We both knew we had to be careful to make our meetings seem full of only friendship. If we were caught going behind the elders back I would be in great trouble and she would not be welcome back to the tribe. I thought I was going to break with the mounting tension and suspense but once she was finally in front of me her beautiful scent, instantly, swarmed my senses.
She smelled of herbs and fire, and the smallest hint of the lilac bush she favoured in the spring. The fire played across her skin and making her glow even more than normal. She reached down and took my hand, and I was frozen in time with her. She pulled me towards the forest with the stars and moon as our only guide in the darkness. We stopped and I pulled her into my arms feeling her heart beat, it was calm and steady like the river. Mine wild and rampant like the wild horses running through the dry lands. She looked up at me; her emerald green eyes studying mine own chestnut ones. She lifted her chin up and stood on the tips of her toes to gain the height that I held over her. I felt the soft brush of her lips against my own eager ones.
The forest was our home, our hiding place, where no one could bother us, until we heard the snap of a twig. No Indian’s foot, this was the white man, the only white man in the tribe, her father. We paused locked in each other’s arms looking, eyes wide, in the direction of where the sound came from. We struggled, silently, with the choice of either letting her father know about our relationship or waiting until he couldn’t do anything about it. She chose the latter and in doing so she broke out of my embraced and snatched my hand like a bear grabbing a salmon in the river.
We ran with the swiftness of the wind, the forest’s voices leading us farther away. The trickling sound of the water fall that night called out to us like it was our saviour. We didn’t hesitate, holding hands we jumped off the rocky ledge, pushing ourselves as far as possible so as to not hit the rocks directly beneath us. The cold hit me hard and I twisted to find her hand again. I struggled to find her, to make sure she was safe. I opened my eyes and looked through the clear, yet dark depths. I couldn’t see anything, finally I broke the surface retrieving a deep breath I dove back down into the shadowy water and continued my frenzied search.
I awoke in a state of startled confusion. I opened my eyes, an unusually difficult task, and was blinded by white light. Once I could start to see clearer I discovered I was in a hospital room. I laid there for a minute, dazed and confused. A million thoughts flying through my head at the speed of light. What was I doing in a hospital room, laying on a bed, a thousand different wires and tubes attached to me? How long have I been here? Where are my parents?
I could feel my pulse quicken and my heart start to pound in my chest. I heard some beeping on a machine before a nurse came in. She looked completely shocked and flabbergasted at the fact that I was now sitting up, eyes wide, on the brink of tears. She took another moment to regain her composure and then she yelled for a doctor whose name I didn’t quite catch. He came down the hall asking the nurse what the problem was. All she could do was point and say “see for yourself”. He walked in the room and took one look at me before giving the nurse some instructions that I didn’t much care to hear. Before he could speak I cut him off.
“What am I doing here?” my voice barely audible
“Where are my parents?” surely they would be somewhere in the hospital waiting for me. “Where’s my brother?”
Again no answer.
“Please tell me what’s going on here!” my voice rising but remaining, still, quite hoarse
“Do you have any recollection of the accident?” The doctor finally asked after a few moments of unanswered silence
“What accident?” I was starting to worry quite a bit.
“You and your family were driving to Owen Sound from Barrie. There was an accident. A car crash. You and your family were rushed to the nearest hospital. You… You were the only one to survive. We think it’s because…” he kept speaking but I didn’t listen. I couldn’t listen. My whole family gone like that. Why was I the one left here? “Do you have anyone you can call” he asked looking worried himself.
“I… I…I’m not sure.” I managed to stammer out
“We’ve been calling different numbers regularly, however, we haven’t managed to contact anyone as of yet.” The doctor took a deep breath and reached for my hand, grasping it, “Lauren we’re going to have to do some tests later on but for now why don’t you just try and rest. If you want you can use the phone but I would suggest to just relax and stay as calm as you can.” He gave my hand a friendly squeeze that was to obviously try and reassure me. It didn’t work. “I am very sorry about what happened.” He went to leave but I held onto his hand to stop him.
“Where am I?” I asked tears, the ones that I had been fighting off since I first felt them pooling in my eyes, starting to fall and run down my cheeks. “How long have I been here?” I looked at the doctor and into his eyes and I saw how truly sorry he was.
He took a deep breath than looked me straight in the eye and said, “You’re at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, The Intensive Care Unit.” He looked away than back at me. “You’ve been here for two months.”
With that he patted my hand and excused himself from the room as if it was hard on himself to deliver that news. It was my life that was just ruined, my heart that was just broken, and my whole world that would never be the same. I took a few deep breaths and tried to gather my courage but it was no use. Any composure I had managed to maintain had left me and I was left looking around the hospital room crying. I just felt numb like there was nothing else, like I couldn’t feel anything. I rolled over and tried to sleep. I just wanted to be able to wake up and see that everything was just a horrible nightmare. I looked at my bedside table, before my eyes closed for good on me, and I saw a vase of flowers. I wondered who they were from but I couldn’t care anymore about them not when my whole world had just come crashing down around me.
When I opened my eyes next I found myself still silently wishing that everything that had just happened had been only the worst nightmare I’d ever had. That wish came crashing down when two nurses came in and started maneuvering machines around in my room. One of the nurses went to wake me but saw I was already awake and watching them.
“Hi, sweetie.” The nurse brushed back my long straight brown hair back out of my face and looked down at me. “My name’s Liz and this is Erica,” she motioned to the other nurse who was busy unhooking and re-hooking wires, she stopped to look up and smile at me. I realized Erica was the one who had first come in my room when I’d woken up originally. “We’re going to take you down to do a CAT scan on you and then we’ll take you back up here where you’ll be able to rest before Dr. Adams comes back up to see you. How’s that sound?”
I nodded my okay and Liz and Erica started to wheel me out of the room and down the hallway. Liz was holding my hand the whole time and constantly smiling down at me. I tried to stay calm but I was scared and I didn’t know what to do.
“Dr. Adams is going to sit down and talk with you about everything after the CAT scan, so just try and hold on, okay?”
I managed to croak out a “fine” somehow and soon enough I found myself in a room with a massive tubular looking machine. The nurses got me onto the cool flat table like bed that would move me into the CAT scan. They told me to keep still and I nodded. It was over soon enough and I couldn’t get out of there faster. I felt so lonely and claustrophobic in the CAT scan machine. I wiped my eyes repeatedly to try and keep from breaking down in front of everyone.
I remember my mother telling me when I was young to not cry in public. She would tell me that I could come home and cry whenever I wanted but not to let other people see me hurt. I waited until I got back in the room and I cried, hard. I cried until I heard a knock on the door. I dried my eyes and I told the person at the door, who I assumed was Dr. Adams, to come in.
“Hi, Lauren.” Dr. Adams came over and sat in the chair beside my bed. “Do you remember what I told you this morning?” I shook my head no. I couldn’t remember the reason for why I was the only one who survived and I needed to know for myself. “Okay, well, your parents were at a set of lights and they went through the green but a drunk driver ran a red light. The car hit the side where your brother was on. The force put your car into the path of the oncoming traffic and a car ran head on into the front of your car. Your side of the car was the only one that wasn’t hit.”
He gave me time to absorb everything he just told me. A drunk driver. My whole life has been ruined over a drunk driver. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t do anything but clench my fists. He closed a hand over one of my fists and I looked up.
“The force of the wreck is what put you into the hospital. You got here already in a comatose state.” He looked like he was about to deliver the final blow and he wasn’t happy about it. “We had to bury them without you. I’m so sorry Lauren but we had no choice.”
“Get out,” I couldn’t handle anymore of this “get out right now!”
“I’ll come back tomorrow morning.”
“Just get out!” My voice hurt to even talk let alone scream but I couldn’t help it. I needed to be alone now.
I heard the door shut and I rolled over on my side. That’s when I saw the flowers again.
That night I dreamt of running in fields of tall grass and wild flowers. I was laughing and I was happy. It was sunny and it felt as if light was radiating from within my soul. I dreamt of a boy, not really a boy but a young man, he was running around with me chasing and grabbing me up to tickle me. I felt so connected to him, so comfortable with him as if I’d known him my whole life.
We finally sat down under a big oak tree, the roots cradling our bodies like it was molded just for us to sit there together. He leaned toward me and, with his thumb and forefinger, tilted my chin up. He kissed me lightly and I never wanted the kiss to end. He gently caressed my jaw, and down to my neck. His long fingers were calloused and rough, as if he had been working with his hands his whole life, against my soft skin. He ran those same fingers through my hair right to the ends; he slid them back up my arms and neck to cup the back of my head with his strong hands. It felt as if everything was right in the world, like everything else was just standing still around us.
Finally, after what seemed like years, we parted from each other. I was speechless; this dream was so real I felt every touch right into my heart. I placed my hand over his heart and I could feel his heart pounding in his chest. The intense rhythmic beat matched my own perfectly.
I lay back against him, nestled between his thighs, and leaned my head against his chest. He rested his forehead against the back of my head. We stayed like that looking up at the clouds laughing, and pointing up at the sky. He kissed the soft spot behind my ear and whispered in a low hushed tone full of thick emotion.
“I’m so sorry; I never meant to hurt you.”
I looked up to stare into those beautiful big blue eyes. I tried to tell him he could never hurt me but he was already gone. I woke up into another dream and I saw that same, beautiful, face staring down at me and I smiled up at him. I wanted to hold onto those shared moments and I closed my eyes to savour it. When I opened my eyes I was, truly, awake and he was gone.
I looked to my left and there was a new vase of flowers sitting on my bedside table. I struggled to reach over and grasp the card nestled between two lilies. I managed to tug it free and I read it over to myself.
‘I’m happy you’re awake, please get well soon.”
I read it over and over again, out loud and in my head. I kept searching for a hidden message somewhere, a hint at who it could be from, but there was nothing. It hurt my head and made my eyes blur the more I thought about it. I was still exhausted and I was so thirsty and hungry.
The little dinner I did manage to choke down last night wasn’t near enough. I lied there waiting for Dr. Adams to come in and check on me. I thought I should’ve felt bad for how I treated him yesterday but I just couldn’t bring myself to truly care. I was the one in the pain, I was the one who had lost two months of my life, I was the one that was left alone and it hurt. It was past the point of hurting, the pain I felt in my heart was a numbness that spread throughout my body and left me feeling cold and alone. And sometimes, I just felt, nothing at all.
Dr. Adams walked in at ten o’clock on the dot and he stood around awkwardly. I realized how young he really was. He looked no more than twenty eight and when I looked really closely I started seeing that he wasn’t as together as he tried to look. Dr. Adams looked genuinely concerned about me, and I guess it registered in my mind on some level but I couldn’t really feel for him. I was too busy trying to feel for myself, and failing.
“Lauren…how are you doing this morning?”
“Fine.” I looked into his eyes and he was pleading with me to forgive him but I couldn’t. I knew he wasn’t to blame for what happened but I just couldn’t get past the fact that I had to find out everything that happened from him.
“Have you thought of any family that we might be able to contact.”
“There’s no one. My parents are…” my cracked and I chocked on the words. I cleared my throat, “were only children. There’s no one to call.”
“Are you sure, I …” I cut him off before he could finish.
“Yes. Look, Dr. Adams I can’t talk about this with you right now. It’s not your fault but unless you have any tests to run on me, I’d really rather be alone right now.”
“Oh…yes of course. I’ll have one of the nurses bring in your breakfast and I’ll leave you to get some rest. Later on today we’re going to be starting you on some post-coma therapy to help you on your way to regaining your strength. Mentally and physically.” He gave me an awkward nod and went to walk away but paused. He turned to me and said, “I get what you’re going through. I really do.” He gave me a soft, sad smile and turned to leave once more. He stopped looked at my bedside table and back at me. “Nice flowers. It’s always nice to know someone cares.” He left me alone to mull that thought over.
I glanced at the flowers and back at the door. I caught myself wondering if the Doctor knew who had sent them to me, or if the sender knew my favourite flowers were lilies. I stared at the creamy white petals for a while before turning over to go back to sleep. Just than the nurse came in with my breakfast and a fresh pitcher of water. I looked up to see the smiling nurse bustling in a cart and just as the door was about to close behind her I saw him. It was the guy with the big blue eyes, the guy from my dream.
I struggled to sit up but I couldn’t get up by myself and by the time the nurse helped me to sit up he was gone. I turned to the nurse Liz and asked if she knew who that guy was who was.
“You know the one? The guy, who was just outside, standing in the hall.” She thought for a moment than her face lit up with excitement.
“Oh, of course! The sweet boy who brings you those beautiful flowers every day?” Her face started to fall and lose her enthusiasm slowly. “I thought you knew him? He used to sit with you when you were in your coma. He’d sit and talk to you for hours.” Erica had a concerned look on her face and she looked about ready to do something but I didn’t want him to be scared off.
“I think I know him, I just can’t remember from where. He looks so familiar though.”
“Well, it is very common to suffer from both mild and acute amnesia after you experience what you have. Maybe it will come to you later on.”
She set up my breakfast for me and poured me some fresh, cold water. After she handed me the TV remote she went to leave.
“Erica! If you see him again can you tell him I’d like to see him?”
“Of course dear, I’d be happy to.”
I ate in a lulling silence with an old Jimmy Stewart movie playing in the background. I just wanted to try and achieve some sort of grasp on my life. I couldn’t though, I had never been alone like this before and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to talk to someone but I felt like I couldn’t. The nurses had given me a card of a woman in the hospital, some sort of shrink, who was available to talk with me whenever I wanted. I didn’t want to talk to another stranger though I wanted to talk to someone familiar, someone I knew, someone like Big Blue Eyes who was here before.
After I had eaten and my meal had been cleared away by a different nurse I sat in silence for a few more minutes before Dr. Adams came in again. He said that he had come to take me down to the physical therapist. He helped me get into a wheelchair and he wheeled me down the hall to the elevator than down to the therapist.
He stayed with me for the most part of it. It made me angry doing the exercises. It was difficult to do the smallest, simplest of tasks and I wanted to throw the stress ball at her, Dr. Robinson’s, face. I was upset and I felt like an invalid, a helpless invalid. I could barely even grip a pen enough to scribble out some semblance of my name.
Dr. Robinson kept telling me that I was doing great. That I was much more advanced than most people in “my condition”. Those words, “my condition”, made my blood boil. I felt like screaming, and throwing a tantrum right there in her office. I would’ve done it if I hadn’t of felt so completely, and utterly, exhausted. She gave me the stupid stress ball to keep and told me I needed to use it throughout the day, in between our sessions. I reluctantly agreed and I felt like I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Dr. Adams came back at the end of my session and wheeled me back up to my room just in time for lunch. He excused himself, once I was settled in my bed, and went to go check on his other patients. I ate and once my meal was cleared away once more, I settled down for a nap.
I dreamt of Big Blue Eyes again that day. This time was different, though, we weren’t running and laughing like last time. We were lying together underneath a blanket of stars on a clear beautiful night. It wasn’t cool, nor was it hot out, it was the perfect temperature for a night of stargazing. The grass was slightly dewy yet surprisingly dry on my back. The crickets were playing a tantalizing melody combining with the owls to produce the perfect orchestral balance.
I curled up against his body and snuggled so close you couldn’t tell where he ended and I began. I laid my head on his chest and listened as his heart beat joined the sounds of the night. It felt as if my senses were on high alert, as if all the numbness had been drained from my body and all that was left was crisp, clean, clarity.